Where Did I Go?

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Wow!  Halloween was the last time I was able to write

something?  Not entirely true.  I have been busy and lazy all at the same time.  After all, I am a kid… correction, The Kid.

 

So, Happy New Year!!!!  And a belated holidays to all.  If you are in the US, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving and if you are not I hope any fall festival you may have had with plenty of good food, friends, and family went well.  As for the Kid, I have been all over the place.

 

It started just before Thanksgiving as I came across a group of 20 somethings at a karaoke night in a small bar.  I was there to enjoy a cold beverage and plan just where or what I might want to do for the up coming holidays.  It was a group of six.   There were two males and four females; two couples and two single young ladies.  The Kid isn’t getting any younger but I carry my little bit of age very well and I knew all the 80’s songs these “youngsters” were attempting to sing, and I can sing a little.

 

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By the end of the night I was invited back to the vacation house these young men and women were renting.  The libations flowed and more singing followed.  As the two couples eventually retired and one young lady collapsed from all the jovial festivities, I found myself alone with a very attractive young woman… never mind I may have already had a driver’s license on the day she was born.  She and I would spend the wee-hours of the morning talking about life, movies, music, future, and love.

 

I woke up with the lovely young woman cuddled next to me on the couch of the house’s front room.  Insomnia is a periodic problem for me and I rarely sleep more than three hours.  Everyone in the house was out cold.  My beautiful new friend and I had fallen asleep while talking and I guess she had snuggled up to me in our sleep; I didn’t mind.  Easing up from the couch so as not to wake her was a trick, but I really had to go to the bathroom.

 

After relieving myself I walked about the house and took note as to how easily these young people had let me into their lives… they had no clue who I was.  Why would they so openly accept me?  Perhaps they need a lesson.  It was close to sunrise.  I needed to work quickly.

 

Later in the day I was sitting at a fast food joint having a burger when my phone rang… it was one of the males.

 

“Hey mother fucker!  Nice fucking prank!  If I ever see you again I’m gonna kick your ass!”

 

It seems they woke up to random words written on their faces.  Random picture of my body parts on some of their phones (some were locked).  All the cabinets had been super glued shut in the kitchen and the bathroom was almost completely covered in TP.

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Everyone got fucked with except one cute girl sleeping quietly on the couch.

 

I explained to him they still had all their money, they still had their cars, and they still had their lives.  It’s amazing how others get all bent out of shape when they let you screw them.

 

Kids these days…

 

That evening the young lady called me and said she had a wonderful time and if she ever happened to be in this area again would like to know if I might spend some time with her… of course;-)

 

Road Trips

ImageI hate traveling long distances in a vehicle, especially if I’m the one driving.  Anything longer than an hour or two becomes maddening for me.  I would never make it as a truck driver.  Recently I took a trip via car to see a friend of mine; a four hour drive.  First, I must think something about this friend as driving four hours is tantamount to having flesh removed.  I would almost rather have teeth extracted; seriously.

As luck would have it, The Kid would get stuck in traffic just 20 minutes into the drive due to an accident on the highway just four miles from the exit I needed to take!  Those four miles took over an hour to negotiate.  I was already livid.

I have more than a few foibles concerning road etiquette.  It seems to me that once you are behind the wheel of a machine weighing thousands of pounds and expected to operate it safely then this responsibility should jump straight to the top of your priority list.  And should you take this vehicle of considerable weight and push its velocity in such a way to have this vehicle reach speeds greater than, oh I don’t know let’s say 3 MPH, then not paying attention to anything other than the operation of the vehicle is inexcusable.  As much as I believe anyone who reads this would agree with every word, I can only imagine how often each of you zone out when you’re moving at speeds of 45, 55, 65, or 70 mph.

One of my foibles is the “slow-ass” passer.  This person, for whatever reason, feels the need to pass other vehicles doing the exact speed limit posted, by achieving hair-raising limits of just 1 to 2 miles per hour over the posted speed.  Never mind that they could have easily reduced their nerve rattling speed of 57 in a 55 to 55 and fall in tow… no, no; they HAD to get by that slower bugger doing the suggested speed.  It makes much more sense to get in the passing lane without increasing their speed and slow 16 cars and trucks down for the 8 miles it takes to actually pass another vehicle doing 1 mph greater speed and then get over out of the passing lane.  This is but one peeve.

Another is the use of turn signals and headlights, which I know both come standard with every vehicle sold but obviously it is not a necessity to know how to use these items before you are allowed to purchase a vehicle.  But I feel these irksome issues I can discuss in length at just about any time, the peeve I would like to discuss along with the “slow-ass” passer would be the “undecided” passer.  This person you notice in your review mirror coming up at a steady pace and then as they get along side you they pass you in increments.  They’re at your bumper holding steady then surge up to you driver’s door, only to drift back to your back quarter panel and hold steady for a few seconds.  Then they lurch forward even with you only to drift back to where the nose of their car is back to you driver’s door again.  This stop and go continues for about a minute or two, than they get past you to open road and haul ass again.  PASS ME ALREADY!!!!!

So, during my travel and only a short distance after the accident, The Kid is on a four lane stretch of highway taking me from one state to another when I come across the “slow-ass” passer first.  She was in a blue Honda Accord and pulled out in the passing lane just as I was coming up on the group of cars she had been riding with for more than a little while.  I knew this because I had visibility on the cars as I approached them for perhaps 4 or 5 miles ahead of time.  Why did she wait until me and a couple other faster paced vehicles reached her position before pulling out?  Anyway, after falling in behind this middle-aged lady in the blue Honda Accord for the next several miles while she passed the vehicles doing the posted 60 mph at her blistering speed of 61, I managed to get into a comfortable zone traveling at about 70/71 in a 65 mph area.  That’s when the “undecided” passer came up on my side.

This was a young woman as I could tell from my driver’s side mirror.  She was driving a silver grey Hyundai.  It took her some time to pass me, and as she pull along side of me I confirmed she was a young lady, blonde and not unattractive, and it appeared as if there were a car seat in the back of the vehicle.  The “Baby on Board” sticker in the back window confirmed.  Just a few miles up the road, the single mom driving the silver grey Hyundai was caught in a little bit of slow moving traffic I would end up passing her back.  Minutes later I could see she was again in the passing lane and about to leap frog me one more time.

Again, she would pull a little further along side of me only to drift back some and hold steady for 15 or 20 seconds.  Then she would again lurch forward and gain some ground.  It was when the young mother was nearly even with me that she swerved into my lane… WTF!?!

I looked over to witness the young lady texting.  She was passing me at over 70 mph and she was texting!  I nearly flipped a lid.  The young mother gained control of her self and was up the road in no time.  Before long I couldn’t see her at all.  I was still fuming 5 miles down the road in disbelief that another human being had the audacity to put my life at risk.

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A short time up the road I need to stop for gas.  There hadn’t been a turn off for fuel in quite some time and I took the first chance I could at a small little Podunk town.  As I pulled my vehicle up to pump 2 at the only gas station in town, low and behold there sat the silver grey Hyundai with the “Baby on Board” parked in front of me at pump 4.  I recognized the young lady as she and her little daughter exited the store.  I could not help but approach.

“Excuse me, Ma’am?”  I smiled as I walked up towards the store’s entrance upon her exit.

She slowed down and put a hand on her daughter’s shoulder, “Yes?”

“Is that your silver grey Hyundai there with the “Baby on Board” sticker in the back?”  She looked at me as if I were about to tell her she left her lights on.

“Yes it is. Did I…” I didn’t have time to listen to her; she needed to listen to me.

I smiled brightly, “I am not exactly sure how serious you take the safety of your child, I take it that her safety is of great importance hence the ‘Baby on Board’ sticker, right?”

The young mother blinked, “Well, yea…”

“I thought so.  Then perhaps I should give you this warning,” My smile became a little wider and I pierced my gaze deep into her eyes, “Should you ever drive pass me at 70 plus miles per hour while texting again, you might hope that you flip your car six or seven times and decapitate both you and your child rather than let me find you…” her lip quivered.  I finished, “just saying.”Image

I walked into the store and grabbed a Coke Zero, all the time watching as the young woman put her child into her car seat, got in her vehicle, and left the premises.  I didn’t notice her look for my license plate number so I think I am not being looked for as a crazy SOB threatening evil vehicle texters like some sort of wanna be super hero vigilante.  That is not my desire.  I just thought she should have something to think about while she was driving… that’s all.

“You’re such a kid.”

             I think it would be incredibly hard to find someone who knows me in any detail at all that would be unwilling to admit there might be something “not quiet right” with me. And should you find any of these people willing to discuss me further you might come to a general consensus my “not quite right” can be drilled down to a not so immediately noticeable but very intense love of myself.  Because of this emotional attachment to this “self” I tend to try very hard at keeping this “self” untarnished and I in fact try to push this “self” past what I believe might be the expectations of others. For instance, I have had a little chance for some time off these past few days, week actually, and I chose to treat a lady friend to a couple days of “just for her days”.  This I suspect was unexpected actions on my part and by giving her such attention she just may repay in some form; win – win.

In all honesty these days were just as much fun for me as they were for her I do believe.  One morning was spent with her dressing up in whatever attire she so desired as I set mood lighting in preparation of a photo shoot.  A few years ago I bought an “I love Me” gift of a very high-speed camera… I haven’t played with it much, but I am not a half bad photog and with the computer imaging enhancements available these days I can do some rather OK works.  Maybe I’ll share some in a few, but I digress.

I played various musical selections as she continued to change from dress to dress and shorts to skirts.  This particular lady friend is a very vivacious and voluptuously shaped woman; to say she is attractive does no justice.  As I said these days have been kind to me as well, but my friend had never done anything like this before and as the music played, the camera snapped, wardrobe after wardrobe change eventually led to swim suits and lingerie.  I never realized just how intimate a photo session could become.  (Rule #1:  Never leave any evidence.  This includes photos)

This photo op brought my companion to an understanding that her lingerie was out dated.  A conclusion she derived completely on her own as I declared my support for the current apparel quiet strongly I might add.  But, with her knew found self prescribed deficiency in her closet we eventually embarked on an afternoon of shopping and lunch.  Again I was privileged to escort her on an endeavor to purchase the perfect piece of fashion for the boudoir that would give her the confidence to be the entire woman she could ever want to be.  My friend has a regained sureness in her body as her diet and exercise program have paid magnificent dividends.  Perhaps because I have been a part of the contributing force of her drive and determination I do in fact deserve some of these privileges.

We visit lingerie store after lingerie store.  I am exposed to outfit, after outfit, after outfit.  Tuff Job?  Boo-Hoo, you say?  Not ALL lingerie is a turn on my friend, some I find to be completely awful; but again, this was about her finding what made her feel awesome as well as look awesome so I was willing to take a shot or two for the team.  I should also mention again that this shopping experience coincided with lunch and I was getting a little hungry.  However I will admit the pre-dinner show was outstanding.  And again, I didn’t know you could get so intimate in a women’s underwear store’s dressing room.

           It was during lunch at my beautiful friend’s choosing where I devised the plan to seduce my friend in such a romantic manner at the most earliest of conveniences.  This morning I crept into her home and up into her bedroom to find she was in the adjoining shower, door closed.  I quickly positioned lighting, mirrors, and her favorite toys strategically about the room.  As she concluded her shower and entered her bedroom, she found the Kid ready to adore her in all her full beauty.  I will go no further but to add, definitely in the top 5 of all time; for me at least.  She seemed to concur.

If you have labored through my self-indulgence, it has been because of this: I was just told that I am “such a child”.  This person, this personal female friend whom I have just given days of my life to, this person who has known me quiet awhile and knows me about as well as anyone and as I said this person would think my unselfish actions of the past few days might be unexpected due to my intense self-love had just told me I am a child… “such a child”.  She knows I react to criticism badly.  I know she’s right.  I am a child.  That’s the point of this blog, right?  My eternal “Kidness”.  She says “something” about me is “just not right”.  It is this “something” that both attracts her to me as well as repulses her.  She needs a man!  Not a child.

That’s just it though; I am a child.  Something way back when did something to something in this here melon and emotions do not process the way society says an adult should act.  The odds are that I will never progress through the adolescent stages of emotional development and I will never be able to achieve the beautiful intimacy I am told of that comes from deep relationships in the later stages of life.  No, the Kid will forever be somewhere between 12 and 16 all depending on the day; but you know what, the Kid is pretty freaking awesome just the way he is.  Did I mention I love me some Kid?

But it is my inner child that allows me the inner confidence to be the photog, or dressing room lover, or bedroom intruder.  That inner child allows me to be the “man” she needs at the time she needs it most, so it would seem; so what if I want to spend the rest of the day reading comic books and watching horror flicks?  What else can you expect from the Kid.

Just because I think someone should know me, should I expect them to expect less than what I expect of my “self”?  And to think this all started out about her…

Pappa Needs a New Pair of Shoes… What Do We Do with These Nice Old Ones?

Image What do you do when a relationship has run its course?  We engage in relationships all the time.  With other people as well as material objects.  A portion of being successful is knowing when a relationship is beneficial to you or if it has become somewhat of a liability; or even better, see when a possible liability is brewing.

I have an old vehicle.  It’s a 1995 model with over 220K miles on it.  This vehicle has done me well.  Of course I have had to replace the tires, brakes, battery, alternator, as well as a few other minor odds-n-ins; and sure the A/C, defrost and cigarette lighter don’t work (it actually has two lighters! neither work), but she has been a trustworthy companion.

I have people like this in my life too.  They have served me well and been there through thick and thin.  Like my vehicle, they don’t seem to have much more to offer me in the way of getting to my final destination though.  I can get a new car tomorrow, but what of people?  I need a reliable mode of transportation and I do like to travel in style… I’m still talking about a car, right?  What do I owe that old vehicle?  What do I owe my old friends?

By the way, I have a beautiful vintage sports car that sits in the driveway ready to roll at a moments notice… just saying.

Early Sunday Morning Joe

ImageThere was a time when I use to call a friend of mine every Sunday morning.  We would talk for an hour or so about nearly nothing; just the things that may be “grinding our gears” at the moment.  In that 60 minutes or so we would solve the worlds problems.  Funny stories would be shared of he or I in an “Express Lane -12 items or less” confronting the stupid bastard who thought 14 < 12 somehow.  Yes, these were very good Sunday mornings.

That certain friend and I do not speak as much as we used to some years ago, but I know we still have the same views on much of life’s little idiosyncrasies.  The latest of which I have come into contact with is the innocent lie.

I recently returned to the beautiful home in which I reside; I had been on travel due to a job prospect.  It was this job prospect that brought me into contact with the the latest innocent lie.  My soon to be new personnel manager acted completely unaware that I was coming.  This was a “done deal” over a month ago.  I arrived to find the personnel manager and my soon to be functional area supervisor talking about what they could “do” with me.  I get paid regardless so if there is no job, I will sit around until they find one or send me somewhere else to get one.  Not a big worry for me or as I like to put it: “Doesn’t boogey me none”  The lie came when the personnel manager explained he had know idea I was coming until the day prior… lie.  He new six weeks ago.  My new supervisor confirmed that they knew six weeks ago.  So why didn’t they plan accordingly or at least let me know there was no job?  Why scramble now to find me a job as the realization sits in that I am going to get paid for doing nothing?  Not that I mind getting paid for doing nothing (best work yet), but why lie to me?  Why did he lie?

See, here is the “kicker”… the man who just lied to me is a very well respected man in his field.  He is an honorable man known for producing amazing results.  This man’s integrity is with out question.  However, it is this same man who just began our relationship on a lie.  Albeit an innocent lie thrown about for not wanting to be seen with his “professional” pants down but this relationship has begun on a lie.

Should I be offended?  If you have never sat and watched “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” then please stop reading this right now, go find the nearest available recording of “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”, and watch.  If you are just too drawn to my writing skills or have already viewed said program then this little excerpt comes to mind.  I don’t mind his dishonesty half as much as I mind his opinion of me to either group me with liars and cheats or to think I might be so stupid as to not see through his lie.  I am offended.

Now, the just desserts I do get to enjoy comes in this fashion; I now know he’s a liar.  I know he will lie about nothing, really.  Whatever can I do with this?  Whatever should I do?

Well Hello… much more to follow.

Had just enuff time to get this thing started.  I hope to utilize this blog as an interactive diary for a very confused man of a very unstable mind.  This time in life is getting more strange by the day as I seem to be loosing grasp with society.  I see way too much cognitive dissonance with way to few willing to call it like it is.  If you stumble across this before I can get another post going… much more to follow.